The Grammy’s aka the first Sunday night without football since the beginning of September, is one of the events that I end up watching every year because of my love for music. This year I decided to pull a Bill Simmons and keep a running diary of the event (plus the tail end of the awesome Nuggets-Celtics triple overtime game). Here’s the insanity that took place over three and a half hours:
8:00 I’m actually looking forward to this year’s Grammys. Couldn’t tell you the last time I actually liked four out of the five albums up for the top award (was not a fan of Babel). I think Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange is going to win the award and Jack White’s Blunderbuss is my darkhorse.
8:01 Jim Parsons couldn’t get an invite, c’mon CBS!
8:01 Didn’t Mumford and Sons perform with a bunch of guitar players last year? Why can’t they just perform by themselves?
8:02 Same goes for The Black Keys. In fact, can The Black Keys just play for three hours?
8:04 Why couldn’t the kid from One Direction that Swift dated, be tied to the spinning wheel during her performance?
8:05 I will never ever get those four minutes back.
8:06 LL Cool J must be thinking to himself I would never, ever want to get that close to T-Swizzle again, she might actually hit me with that walking stick.
8:08 Congrats on your two Grammys LL Cool J, can Dave Chappelle show up with the wrap it up box please?
8:09 LL Cool J monologue continues (eyes shift back to Nuggets-Celtics).
8:10 Kenneth Faried is a beast.
8:11 Seriously does anyone in the NBA have more energy than Faried?
8:12 Now would be a good time to mention that Elton John is going to do a cameo on the new Queens of the Stone Age album. Dave Grohl knows fucking everyone.
8:13 Fun.’s hit We Are Young is playing into the break, could be a good sign for them tonight. Also a great sign that they’re performing on the show, which means they’re basically a guaranteed lock to win at least two Grammy’s on the actual show.
8:14 I’m confused, will we be talking about Mumford and Son’s performance, or the fact that Johnny Depp introduced them with a script written by Tim Burton? Also what’s the over/under on the number of banjo’s in the performance? 5? If so I’m taking the over.
8:17 It took everything in George Karl’s power to not get up and physically remove Andre Miller from the game after he airmailed a three from the wing.
8:20 LL Cool J is reading tweets! Here’s one for ya: Jennifer Lopez can’t start the party without almost showing her vagina. #getherabudlight
8:21 Can Chris Berman perform Stronger with Kelly Clarkson?
8:22 Adele picks up where she left off last year by winning the Pop Solo Performance award. Was her dress a curtain before tonight?
8:23 Safe to say no one in that crowd listened to Fun.’s first album, Aim and Ignite, which is superior to Some Nights.
8:25 Did Nate borrow those yoga pants from Jennifer Laurence’s character in Silver Linings Playbook?
8:26 Wouldn’t snow be more appropriate?
8:27 TY LAWSON TIES THE GAME WITH .08 SECONDS
8:27: WHY DO WE HAVE TO KNOW WHO IS INTRODUCING EACH PERFORMANCE AND AWARD? WE’RE ALREADY WATCHING THE SHOW?
8:28: Steve Carrell and Jim Carrey in a movie about goofy magicians, sign me up.
8:29: How many different driving caps will LL Cool J wear tonight?
8:32: George Costanza is jealous of John Mayer’s velvet blazer.
8:32 Mayer looks fucking loaded right now, I guess you have to be if you’re going to wear that suit on national television.
8:33: Country performance (eyes turn back to Nuggets-Celtics in overtime).
8:34 Miranda Lambert’s thighs ate the rest of her dress.
8:36 Lambert better watch out, Taylor Swift is going to beat her up with her walking stick for using her pink microphone.
8:37 Just decided to put the audio for the Nuggets-Celtics back on, but I might have made a bad decision. Mike Gorman and Tom Heinsohn are the biggest homers in the league.
8:38 LL Cool J is back with the same driving cap! He’s still wondering where the rest of Jennifer Lopez’s dress went.
8:39 Wiz Kalfia’s performing, we now know where John Mayer got his Marry Jane from.
8:40 Sting just looked at Wiz Khalifa the same way I look at my shoe when I step in dog shit.
8:41 Double overtime for Nuggets-Celtics.
8:41 Wiz Khalifa is presenting the award for Best Country Solo Performance, ummmmmmmm.
8:42 Maranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood should have switched dresses.
8:44 Danilo Gallinari’s has really improved his left hand. Loved the finger roll earlier on.
8:48 Maybe I should break dance and throw my Microsoft Surface around as I type this column, it might actually make it readable.
8:49 LL Cool J has his phone out again, and he’s tweeting about Jennifer Lopez’s dress!
8:50 I’ve been waiting all day for Sunday night Faith Hill. The second weekend of September can’t come soon enough.
8:51 C’mon Fun. is definitely winning this.
8:52 I promise you I did not put that in after the show ended, this is in real time folks.
8:53 Nate c’mon man just admit that you and your band sold the fuck out.
8:53 Why can’t the wrap it up music be like Ride The Lightning by Metallica?
8:54 Johnny Depp joined the hippy circle with John Mayer and Wiz Khalifa before the show.
8:54 Damnit only one banjo for Mumford.
8:56 I Will Wait for Mumford and Sons to write some music that shows some versatility.
8:57 Taylor Swift hasn’t waited for anyone, that’s part of the why she’s broken up with so many people.
8:57 PAUL PIERCE!
8:57 Mark me down as someone who just doesn’t understand the popularity of Mumford and Sons.
8:58 This Nuggets-Celtics game is right up there with Dallas-Portland from last week for craziest finish of the year.
9:00 Alright we’re officially in the second hour, will LL Cool J finally change his driving cap? Who else smoked with Wiz Khalifa, John Mayer, and Johnny Depp before the show?
9:01 TRIPLE overtime for the Nuggets and Celtics.
9:06 So Jay-Z performs with Justin Timberlake, but not with his wife at the Super Bowl.
9:09 Danio Gallinari with a big time three, could the Nuggets do this against the Thunder in May? Right now I say no.
9:10 Is this Justin Timberlake performance over yet?
9:11 Kelly Rowland could have been a center in the WNBA.
9:12 Best Urban Contemporary Album: aka we didn’t how to classify Frank Ocean so we made a category just for him.
9:13 Too bad Chris Brown couldn’t have presented Frank Ocean the award.
9:13 Nuggets nine game win streak is officially snapped and the Celtics have extended their win streak, without Rondo, to seven.
9:14 When will Maroon 5 change their name to The Adam Levine Band.
9:19 Dave Grohl should have been involved in every performance tonight, he could have been the second banjo in the Mumford and Sons performance.
9:20 Best rock performance gets the equivalence of a jobber’s entrance in wrestling. What I mean is instead of getting a formal presentation with clips from the music videos for each song, a quick snippet of the song played as a shot of the band sitting in the Staples Center was shown.
9:21 Who didn’t see a win for Lonely Boy coming? Grohl just said that Dan Auerbach won for Producer of the Year. Patrick Carney gave us a quick thank you, Nate from Fun. is taking notes for later on.
9:24 You only get once chance tonight to change the channel when Adam Levine is performing. #YOLO.
9:26 My girlfriend just made the comment that this Adam Levine/Alicia Keys performance is terrible, I picked a good one.
9:27 Why did that song get a standing ovation?
9:28 Odds that Maroon 5 wins Best Pop Vocal Album, 96%.
9:29 Kelly Clarkson wins and looks like the oldest daughter from Full House.
9:37 I respect Rihanna for actually singing without a backing vocal track. Beyonce is taking notes.
9:39 Instead of putting everyone to sleep Rihanna should have had Chris Brown as the creepy guy who sings to her.
9:40 Best Rap/Sung Collaboration? What the hell?
9:41 It’s Sunday night, aren’t Lena Dunham’s tits supposed to be out?
9:49 WTF is that dude wearing.
9:51 Watching The Black Keys perform at the Grammy’s makes me think about how they’re a throwback band. They put out seven albums before they were popular. They toured in a beat up bus and played for crowds of eight people in the early days of their existence. If there was a most hard-working artist category they would be a shoe-in.
9:54 Kelly Clarkson starts a slow jam, John Mayer just lit up his last joint.
9:57 Whenever an album is a tribute to someone it doesn’t stand a chance of winning.
9:58 The Zac Brown Band is the country equivalent of the San Antonio Spurs. They both constantly put out a good product and win the highest awards; because they both stay out of the spotlight and do what they’re supposed to without being flashy, they’re under appreciated.
9:59 The fact that we’re constantly being reminded of Frank Ocean’s Grammy debut is a dead giveaway that he’s going to win Album of the Year.
10:05 LL Cool J must have forgot his phone backstage, either that or his wife grabbed it because he kept tweeting about Jennifer Lopez’s dress.
10:06 So Bruno Mars gets to sing what sounds like a rip off of a Police song right after LL mentions Sting?
10:07 Can we get subtitles for Sting please?
10:08 Can someone please get a GIF of Nell Patrick Harris rocking out to Bruno Mars?
10:10 Props to the producer in the truck for getting a close up of Rihanna and then a close up of Chris Brown.
10:12 John Mayer already gave his tribute to Bob Marley with Johnny Depp and Wiz Khalifa earlier.
10:13 I agree with Sports Illustrated’s Jimmy Traina, how was that a tribute to Bob Marley?
10:18: The Lumineers drummer makes Meg White look like John Bonham.
10:20 Seriously I could have played drums in The Lumineers.
10:22 Jack White might be dressed in an outfit that looks like a dead peacock, but he’s giving the best performance of the night.
10:23 Grammy producers, can we please get Jack White and Jimmy Page together sometime soon?
10:25 LL Cool J just tweeted about Katy Perry’s tits.
10:26 Best New Artist award time, otherwise known as best new artist for people who don’t listen to anything but top 20 radio.
10:27 Let me take this time to reiterate that Fun. has been around since 2008 and put out a better album than Some Nights in 2010. It’s called Aim and Ignite.
10:34 I’m not making this up: @the_ironsheik: Hunter Hayes new name the Hunter Gays #teamsheikie
10:37 Carrie Underwood’s dress is better than Justin Timberlake’s performance.
10:39 Did anyone just see the guy creepily sit stare at the camera and sit down slowly?
10:40 Prince looks sad, either Charlie Murphy just whooped him in a 1-on-1 game before the show, or he didn’t get to finish eating his pancakes.
10:41 If Fun. wins Record of the Year, Lena Dunham’s tits are definitely coming out.
10:41 Somebody That I Used To Know with the upset! Prince looks confused, Frank Ocean looks pissed off and John Mayer is still staring at Katy Perry’s tits.
10:48 This show is going till 11:30, that’s way past Taylor Swift’s bedtime.
10:51 Between Justin Timberlake and Ryan Seacrest, LL Cool J can’t decide whose hair to tweet about.
10:54 Mumford and Sons is pissed that two banjo players died, they could have used them on their next album.
10:55 RIP Dick Clark, there will never be another American Bandstand, which is a shame because the format (a daytime network show about exposing new musical artists) would totally work right now.
10:59 America just got introduced to Brittany Howard, everyone who reads this should go listen to Boys and Girls by her band, Alabama Shakes.
11:01 Where did Elton John get those glasses from?
11:07 For the twentieth time tonight we’re being reminded that Frank Ocean’s first Grammy performance is a can’t miss moment, if you still have time to bet on Album of the Year please do so.
11:11 Smart to have Frank Ocean perform BEFORE he wins Album of the Year.
11:14 Very simple, yet awesome stage setup (and outfit) for Frank Ocean’s performance.
11:16 Here we go!
11:17 Congrats to Frank Oce……BABEL! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?
11:18 I Need a moment to process that…..
11:19 I know it’s incredibly hard to say album a is better than album b and so on, but listen to El Camino, Channel Orange, Blunderbuss, or Some Nights and then tell me that Babel is a superior album. Yes Mumford and Sons are stunningly one of, if not the most successful new rock band in terms of album sales, but Babel was just a continuation of Sigh No More. The four other artists up for the award all took risks with their albums and pulled them off extremely well. This must have been how everyone felt two years ago when Arcade Fire won the award for The Suburbs.
11:23 Hey look LL took his driving cap off! Will he tweet during his performance?
11:25 No Sleep Till Brooklyn, FTW.
11:29 That’s the end of the show folks!
I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why Babel won Album of the Year, but let’s just hope that banjos don’t take over the music landscape in 2013, Frank Ocean’s headband will be insulted if so.
Follow me on twitter @scottdargis